I had this random thought yesterday while watching a child cry in the park because he had to go home because his trousers got wet and it was too cold to play like that. His parents were very good, explaining to him why they had to take him home, that it wasn’t a punishment or his parents being mean, that it was necessary so he doesn’t catch cold.
And of course, he’s five, so he’s still screaming his head off.
And I had this thought about how this is a good showcase of needs vs expectations where trauma and emotions happen.. like, even if the kid accepts that he has to go home, he will still feel sad about it. Devastated, even. This sadness manifests in screaming and crying because he’s five and that’s how he processes.
So, we, as adults, obviously don’t react to sadness with screaming but this made me think of how sometimes we gotta remember to let ourselves off the hook for feeling pain even if we accept the situation. For being sad even though the situation has been resolved. And that if we continue to feel sad and angry, that doesn’t mean we’re bad or something. We’re just processing. Cuz it hurts.
Screaming and yelling is unpleasant so we consider it unacceptable behaviour, treat it almost like aggression- but I think that kid wasn’t trying to fight and manipulate his parents into letting him stay anymore, he was just really sad and expressing that. Sure, it’d be easier if he just shut up and stopped manifesting his feelings, but is that healthy?
Is that healthy when we transpose it to our own adult proportions? I don’t think so. Like, learning to control your impulses and not throw tantrums doesn’t have to be the same as denying your emotions and that’s something I’m only kinda seeing more clearly now. I don’t think I was ever really taught the difference.
👆🏻 I’m all aboard the ‘let people process their emotions and work thru them/don’t tell them how to feel’ train. Good post!!
I’m actually gonna talk about this with my therapist next week because I just realised there is a pattern in my life of my parents mistaking symptoms for cause. Well-meant attempts at comfort very quickly ended in comments like ‘ok but you really need to stop getting so emotional over it now’ and anger at my continuing to express my pain which was seen as proof of my unwillingness or incapacity to be mature.
In short, I stopped going to my folks for comfort years ago because although it started with sheer sympathy, it always ended with them being annoyed and me feeling guilty and stupid.
I don’t think they meant this to cause harm, they just can’t tell the difference between not seeing the problem and not having the problem.
What I have always needed is for someone to respect my grief. If I’m still crying, it doesn’t mean I refuse to heal, and if I’m not crying anymore, it doesn’t mean it stopped hurting.
That sucks and is super sad. I’m of the belief that expressing your emotions helps you to process them and and work thru them. When I woke up the morning of 45’s election, I cuddled my Bae an really cried for the first time in years. There was nothing I could do to stop what happened, but if I didn’t process my grief, I wasn’t going to be able to function. I took the day off and let myself feel it all so in the days to come I’d have the emotional energy to prepare and fight the presidency. Ya know? And I kept seeing posts on social media saying hat like, ‘stop freaking out and fight.’ THOSE TWO ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE 😤
Thoughtfulfangirling 