It fucks me up that “It is not my responsibility to fix others” has become some sort of self-care mantra because it demonstrates really blatantly how, like, alienation is core to the mainstream narrative of self-care/self-healing.
Like, “it’s not my responsibility to fix others”, bitch, yes it is, the problem is that it is ALL of our responsibility, but so many people have this shit knocking around in their head that they neglect it and so only those with either an immense commitment to others or those who have been groomed into self-sacrificial behavior engage in it and they end up burned out and used because everyone else is putting “not my responsibility to fix others” next to shit like “drink more water.”
And people will be like, “This is manipulative, no one should feel obligated to help other people with their problems” but like…
And you are free to think that way, I can’t stop you, but we need to call it what it is: selfish.
From the same mouths come the claim that the deeply traumatized and the psychotic need to be hyper-vigilant in making sure that all of their coping mechanisms are coherent, respectable, and ideally quiet, and at all times never made other people’s business (even if those people actively try to pry into your life to make sure your coping is following these guidelines), but at the same time, we can’t call selfishness what it is just because it’s dressed in the trappings of this paradigm of neurotic recovery and self-care.
Like, you can take a step back, you can establish boundaries and say “right now I need time and space to work on my own shit”, but the ritualistic “cutting out” of “toxic” people is selfish, plain and simple. Toxicity used to mean people who were actively engaged in harming you, who were actively looking to abuse and manipulate you, but now it’s just “anyone that makes me feel bad”, and like, who is really the toxic one in that scenario, if we really wanna cling to that language?
“I never asked for that responsibility”, bitch, me neither, but we are all struggling on this Earth, and you can be selfish, you are allowed to be selfish, you are allowed to be callous, you allowed to close your heart to the plight of others, but if you do, why should you be spared the vitriol that seems only reserved for those in the greatest need of help? “These people are toxic, they deserve to be abandoned”, you too bitch, you too.
See, I was raised to respond to a person who has fallen down by getting my knees in the dirt and helping them back up again, and yes it is hard, but what makes it hard isn’t the person in need, it’s the hundreds of people walking by, unwilling to lend a hand and share that burden because they’re lost in their own “self-care”.
It’s bullshit, and if we keep letting that kind of idea take root in our heads, eventually it’ll get to the point where no one’s helping anybody (unless they’re getting something out of them) and that’s gonna be a lonely fucking world to suffer and die in and nobody’s gonna be able to escape it.
The thing that abled people who advocate for the disabled community don’t get is that there are times when disabilities/accommodations clash. Horribly.
Like I spent years having to come up with a solution to get therapy dogs into a series of residence halls. Why years? Because we had to decide who got to stay and who got to leave: the people who needed therapy dogs or the people with severe allergies to animals. Who got the alternative housing?
Things like fidget toys might seem great for some disabled people but having them in the room could be distracting/overstimulating for others. The same goes with stimming. It can’t be helped but neither can the anxiety that another person in the room feels as they watch/hear it. Additionally, something like a weighted blanket might immediately calm one kid down and send the other one into a panic attack due to the claustrophobia it causes. (*Points to myself*)
Every Metro bus in New York City has a series of seats at the front that can be lifted up to accommodate people in wheelchairs but if I’m in one of those spots then someone with a cane/walker has to journey even further to sit down.
The flashing lights of a fire alarm are there to help deaf/hearing impaired but if they’re not properly timed, they can also cause a person to have a seizure.
The worst part about all of these is that there is rarely a concrete solution that makes everyone happy/safe. And I’m not here to offer any because I don’t know them. I’m just here to remind you all that as you’re taking your education/health classes, as you’re reading your textbooks, as you’re preparing to go be an advocate, just remember that there is rarely ever such a thing as a one-size-fits-all solution to advocacy and that something you do that can help one disabled person might actually hinder another.
Thoughtfulfangirling 