Tag: rant

thoughtfulproxy:

thoughtfulproxy:

This April Fools thing is ridic! I got really confused when I went to post about how I dropped out of a game session because I commented on the gender specific game player rule and got the ‘it’s an old game’ and the ‘don’t be like that’ and of course then got targeted for the ‘don’t speak for 5 mins’ rule and just no. I totally get that it’s a silly simple game but I’m just not down to play if that’s how that comment is going to be treated

And it’s awkward cause everyone’s probably annoyed, and the host probably feels miserable, and I feel dumb about it, and it’d all have been cleaner if id just go along but for gods sake people, let a person process something before you start excusing shit and in fact targeting that person to do this thing they hadn’t processed. Or even just acknowledge the ridiculousness. Like, yeah, that is strange. All the game is like this. Is that gonna be a problem? And I could be like, I guess not *sigh* lol.

So yeah, now that I’m not on my phone, I can explain.  I came in late to the explanation of a card game. I got the functioning bits, but I’d missed a lot of intro information. Essentially, you need to cast all the spells in your hand, but you need ingredient cards in order to cast them. So you’re trying to get ingredient cards from the middle during your turn as well as play spell cards once you get all the ingredients you need to cast it. 

This was the explanation I got essentially. I knew that there were special ways to lose and get more ingredient cards, but didn’t really know how. I figured the cards would explain (which I hadn’t gotten a chance to look at). 

We start playing, and this girl I’ve met for the first time who was explaining the card reads it. It’s something to the extent of, pick an opponent to cast this spell on and he then cannot speak for five minutes, and if he messes up, the player that notices takes on of his [ingredient] cards.’ 

I did not realize that this was a typical function of the game, but this was her casting a spell. I didn’t even realize that much at this point. It’s literally the first thing. And I laugh, because we’re sitting at a table of evenly male to female players. I make a joke about the card clearly only applying to the men at the table. 

I don’t remember the exact response she made, but it was along the lines of ‘it’s just a game’ and ‘it was created in like the 70s.’ So like, while I was originally making a joke commenting on the clear bias of the game and taking their own cards literally as a part of my amusement, she was shrugging it off like ‘lighten up,’ and I am just not down for that. So I just continue with something like, ‘Hey, I’m just pointing out what the card says. Clearly it means it’s for a guy.’ To which she grinned at her boyfriend or our mutual friend and said, “She’s the loudest isn’t she. I’ll have to cast it on her.” 

Like, fuck no. You turned what was just a joke into a way to use the oldest sexist tool in the shed on me (silence). I responded with something like I just wasn’t going to go along. She cast it on me and had someone set the timer, so I held out my ingredient cards. I told them, “Look, I’ll take the ‘fine.’ Take my cards since I’m not doing this.” So people start taking the cards from me, but there’s still the implication that I’m not supposed to talk. I was just like, ‘I have no cards left, I’ve already been penalized, I’m not going to shut up now.’ 

So she comments, ‘But you’re going to pick up eventually and we’ll just take them then.’ Which, I didn’t even know if that was a thing at this time, because I didn’t even know this game, but it’s not actually a thing I later saw. It’s something she literally said to cow me into playing along. So I tossed the remaining cards ‘spell’ in the middle and just said, “Alright. It’s clear I shouldn’t be playing this game.” 

And I felt miserable for a while. It was definitely my pride getting the best of me, but at the same time, it was completely uncalled for. I don’t hate this woman or think she’s a bad person or anything. She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know the kind of person I am—that I make literal, pedantic jokes. That I make fun of phrasing in English not in a ‘haha you’re not educated’ way but in a ‘I’m taking your words as you said them literally.’ She doesn’t know that I just need to be able to say ‘x thing is fucked up’ and once I’ve done so, I can still have a good time and generally play along. Because honestly, I could have. It would have, going further, been a none-issue that this card came exclusively and consistently refers to its players with male pronouns (he/his). But when I took the full consequences possible to make that one stand, the one that felt far worse than any others (to shut up and targeted To shut up Because I pointed this out), and she wanted to tack on new consequences and try to strong arm me into playing along, just no fucking way. 

And it’s really sad, because I really do think I could have liked this woman. She was interesting and funny and smart, and there was so much I was excited to get to her for, but there’s no way she’s ever going to think of me in a decent standing again. She definitely took my comment about the sexist wording as a personal offense against the game she wanted to play and she responded very defensively. This is very human, and it’s a trait I could see myself easily fallen into. I’m mad at her about it, but I realize it’s just human failings. But really what’s the worse is that we’re just never going to probably get along. Though I guess I do hold it against her that she couldn’t take a moment to try and understand why I was acting as I did. 

At one point during the game (which I continued to hang out for (the Bae was playing) since, you know, Everyone Else was playing), I left the table to use the bathroom. I heard her voice raised, which of course made me listen. She was saying silly things to another player, but the spell card cast on her was essentially, ‘This player must pick another player to go off on, but he must do so without swearing,’ and apparently she double checked the card to make sure it said player because she had wanted to go off on me. I definitely feel a ‘fuck you’ to her on that one. To hope to use a game mechanic to go off on me over an actual issue which social politeness would say I don’t have the same excuse to go off on back at her, giving her a one way ticket to probably talk about how ‘up tight’ or some shit. Obviously, some of this is putting words in her mouth, but clearly she had something semi prepared to say. Definitely some anger about that one. 

I just feel so fucking bleh. I’ve really been having some self doubt and questioning myself type thoughts lately, and I’m a person who generally has good self confidence/sense of self worth, and my lowest points Always come from when I question myself in those ways and think maybe I make ‘dumb’ choices/decisions or if there’s no reason for me to do the things I do. I live very much on validation, and I’m usually good at validating myself so it doesn’t look like I need it and also therefore isn’t something I need the Bae to do and he’s not actually all that good at doing so, but when I get low, it’s the thing I need the most from others. And ugh. I’m having some bad moments here.  But hey, I tend to get a full night’s sleep and full meals every day and I’m not struggling terribly financially, so what right do I have to complain about anything ever? ¯_(ツ)_/¯