I’m so tired of constantly oscillating between rage and stomach clenching fear. It’s only been 4 days. Ugh 😰

Back to the grind today. I think I’ll be fine as long as no one tries to talk politics with me. Especially as long as that coworker who told me before the election she didn’t know who she was voting for after seeming fairly clear in a distaste for Trump. I never asked her how she ended up voting and I don’t want to know. But drowning oneself in work is a good way to get back into the habit of life.

Yay having to unfriend people on Facebook (ﾉ￣д￣)ﾉ

Why do people think that humor being something important for people that there should be no limits mean that it’s okay to ignore actual people’s concerns regarding that humor? Why is humor exempt from critique? The logic just doesn’t follow. If you’re humor is hurting someone, why is it so defensible? Why would you say that when people approached you about making a joke about ‘coming out’ when you’re not queer is uncomfortable to them that you say, “I’m not going to say sorry your offended,” go on to talk about said importance of humor (obviously more important than all those people), and end with “I’m sorry I offended you?”

And then in the comments, when a queer person calls you out, you and your friends got upset with her. I cannot see how he does not realize that he is championing himself and only himself. He wants to keep the veneer of a good ally, but he proved his true colors when he pretty much publicly said, ‘I’m ignoring all of you.’ (•᷅д•᷄)

That moment when

You really need to vent something but no one you can count on to respond in a helpful manner for you is readily available. Like there may be people who would listen and try to help but you just don’t know how they’ll respond to This thing and if it could turn around and indirectly bite you in the ass later.

Aw man guys.

My mom and step-dad have been planning to sell the house we lived in since I was about 8 for some time. I managed a quick, hurried weekend there several months back to collect some childhood things I don’t want them to get rid of, but neither of them were there while I was.

They’re mostly moved into a house in the town I’m now living in with my sister that has a distinct separate part to the house, kind of like a small apartment off the main section of the house. It’s pretty cool and a great setup, but they’re mostly moved in and hardcore trying to sell my childhood home.

I’ve known this was coming for some time, and I was generally ambivalent about it. In fact, I am generally ambivalent about it. Like, I know I’ll miss it, but I have all the memories, and I so rarely visited in the past 5 to 10 years, so no big right? Except I keep dreaming about a childhood home my dad used to live at where I have a bizarre amount of memories (it really wasn’t a long period of time he lived there with my aunt and uncle and cousin. Maybe two years? And I only saw him on some weekends…), and I’m fairly consciously aware that it has more to do with my Mom’s home selling than that old house from my younger years.

Yesterday I dreamt my mom called me to tell me the house had sold. When I woke up, I had to check my phone to see if that had been a dream or if I had just fallen back to sleep. I then was driving through town yesterday and saw an old, unique building my dad used to work at and my sister and I used to run around when we were little being demolished. So I dreamt tonight about going out there in the middle of the night and taking these fantastical pics of what was left, and it turned almost into this sci fi thing with roads running up along it and amazing space shit in the sky. But then, as I was trying to get a very specific pic, a police officer showed up to tell me I was trespassing and nearly gave me an $800 ticket for it.

I don’t even know how to cope with something like this? Like, I’m fine awake, but my dreams are getting increasingly unpleasant and sometimes difficult to distinguish from reality? I usually have fun, exciting dreams. *sigh* wth.

I’ve considered making the not quite 2 hour drive back to the old house, but it’s practically empty at this point, and I just don’t think it would help me for that to be the last way I see it? ¯_(ツ)_/¯

My coworker at the moment has a bad habit of using up all her vacation/sick/ect time as soon as she gets it. Which means she has very little time right now. She probably has at least 2 hours though…

She has a migraine. She keeps making little moaning/groaning noises. I’ve told her to go home. I’ve tried drowning the noises out with my headphones, but they’re only so effective.

I’m not particularly fond of LISTENING TO PEOPLE IN PAIN!

K. Thanks. 😫

I need to go to bed. And I will soon. But I’m so angry rn ya’ll. I’m usually able to remain pretty detached when shit goes down. I will feel bad and be angry, but I’ll still be detached from it. I can’t really describe it.

But I’m not detached today.

I’m angry. I’m tired.

And I appreciate the sentiment in all these posts that are pointing out the goodness in humanity. But they make me angry too. On man with a gun killed 50 queer and(or) latinx people. He did it in a time in my country where people are literally equating trans women with rapsists and assaulters. When legislators are trying to pass bills legalizing discrimination.

I’m not just angry about the 0rlando shooting.

0rlando was the giant fucking cherry on the top of this fucking garbage pile of anti-queer rhetoric and 2nd amendment die-hards.

And my country is going to make it all about the shooter. It’s a narrative that suit’s them so nicely. Blame it on something that seems ‘foreign’ to so many. Separate themselves from him. Our legislators and bigots aren’t to blame, it’s them. NO! You created this atmosphere! While the shooter is the scum of the earth, he’s honestly just a small part—which makes it that much more terrifying. Like, the scale of it is… outstanding. But is anyone surprised? Given what we’ve been seeing??

ONE person, internalizing the TOXIC shit by people in power used the “”FREEDOM”” these shitty leaders assert is the most important freedom caused severe injuries and/or death of over 50 queer people.

And honestly, the 1sis thing seems like a flailing attempt at attention or misdirection. But even if it wasn’t, it doesn’t change all the shit that’s been going on. The same people who now pretend sympathy and prayers.

So please forgive me if it’s hard to see the good in humanity right now or if I fail to be polite about issues of injustice.

Tagged by @ecouter-bien

countries i’ve lived in: U.S.A
favourite fandom: mmfr. Though the Revolutionary Girl Utena fandom is pretty awesome too
languages you speak: English
favourite film of 2015: Haha! Mad Max Fury Road. Def
last article you read: I don’t know. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I read something recently, but I can’t recall. It all starts to mesh together.
shuffle your music library and put the first three songs here: I did this when I saw I was tagged in this a couple hours ago and was actually listening to music on shuffle. 1. Utena — Mienai Bara | 2. Halsey — Colors | 3. Halsey — Control
last thing you bought online: George of the Jungle
any phobias or fears: Centipedes are freaky as fuck
how would your friends describe you: Eeer… um. Ask my friends? Probably something about me being a bit on the strange side but outspoken and fun to be around? I hope.
who would you take a bullet for: Mother, Sister, and Bae. Three most important people in my life atm.
if you had money to spare, what would you buy first: My debt? My debt.
Tag ten people you want to know better: I’m feeling much too tired to think of people, and I think those I talk to the most all have been tagged. I guess, @amentaldiversion and @rosepetalrevolution should get tagged. Someone already tagged @flamethrowing-hurdy-gurdy right?

One thing that’s tough with kind of being ‘that person’ people know who is a bit of an activist or an academic regarding social issues, is that if there’s a day you don’t want to get engaged or explain issues to someone or read an article they think you like, they immediately think there’s something wrong.

And honestly, it’s totally understandable. When you expose yourself to shitty stuff like oppression and rape culture and stuff, it’s easy to burn out and become depressed and hate the world.

But that’s why I regularly take a day off and ignore that kind of stuff. Probably about once a week. But I don’t want to tell anyone I’m doing it, because I know it will come with, ‘everything okay?’ and ‘You need to watch something funny!’ and all sorts of other stuff. And it’s like… I’m already doing those things. I’m not burnt out, and this is why I’m not. Because I take days off.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

kimbureh replied to your post:Ugh, this is terrible. Tmi warning. Tryying to eat…
over all this fuss, try not to forget what *you* want. so far you wrote quite a bit about other people’s expectation, and that can be a trap. my health and fitness goals were influenced by other people’s opinions for years and it wasn’t easy to see that because it can happen in so subtle ways. “of course i want to be healthy and fit!”, yah, but at what cost? and more important: is that self-forcing mindset worth it? don’t i lose freedom of will in the process?

I’m such in a place where I don’t even understand what works and what doesn’t that I can’t fully grasp what I want. I’d like to eat more healthy. I don’t want to get sick young, and I’ve had digestive issues in the past (I’m typically in a perpetual state of backed up and take fiber pills regularly to try and deal with this). I’d like to work out more, but I’d want to do something like a martial art or something that could make me feel accoplished in a skill or something, but that can be pricey and take time, and on a night shift and one income… too much work/cost to implement atm.

Thank you though. I totally agree with you. And honestly, I have been at my top weight for months now and the only times it upsets me is when I can’t fit into most of my jeans. (I have like two that fit comfortably. I gain in my hips/butt first.) But I was thinking about how it could also be that I’m 27 now and should start making my diet a priority now and yeah. ¯_(ツ)_/¯