Tag: personal

Y’all , I just need to throw this out into the void. 

 One of my sister’s is straight (well all are but let’s just look at this one) and it’s her right to identify however she wants. 

But she has celebrity lady crushes and has enjoyed making out with girls in the past. 

 And when I say shit like ‘Gal pals’ and roll my eyes, she consistently insists that no, girls can really have friendly relationships like that! And she’ll talk in particular about this one straight friend (who was really… quite intrigued when I once told her she was crush material for me) and how she does love her and could see living with her and they’ve cuddled and all that. So friends really CAN be like that. 

 And I’m just… internally screaming inside??? Because like??? You have a crush on her??? 

I’ve said to her before (tho it hasn’t prevented her from making these statements) that in a different society, I suspect she’d identify otherwise… and she hasn’t Disagreed or gotten angry with me. And I feel like once she replied that maybe if she hadn’t wanted kids so bad… …

 But it’s definitely not my place to put a label on her. And I’m not going to make that statement again, in front of others. But also… please no. You’re encouraging ‘gal paling’ 😒

So at work, in my direct vicinity, there are at least three women with significant others who are also women. At least one of them is married.

I have in my area a pic of Bae and I. Which means I likely seem default straight.

So I felt super awkward today when, after a coworker mentioned seeing a buff woman, I said that would probably bring out my gay. 🤡🤷🏼‍♀️

Ahhh! Bae hasn’t been feeling good all week and he doesn’t have insurance yet. Working on getting him on mine but it’s sort of iffy since we’re not married and all. So I’m stressed. I’d like to get him in. We’re past thinking it’s something serious but still. We don’t have many ideas of what’s going on.

And it’s stressing me out 😭

I meet with a fertility counselor this week due to an upcoming appointment I have to get my tubes tied as I know I don’t want kids. I was talking to a coworker about having some frustrations and anxiety about having this gatekeeper I need to convince and shared how it’s frustrating because you don’t just decide on a whim that you are going to get surgery and pay hundreds of dollars out of pocket (deductible before insurance kicks in) as well as jump through all the paperwork and insurance loops to have this sort of thing done. And the coworker responded with, ‘but some people do.’

😤

Okay, MAYBE there are outliers of this happening but that is true of LITERALLY ANYTHING. If this was the logic by which we operated for everything, our society would look so fucking different. You would never have a restaurant you paid after food was served. Every procedure that was explicitly demanded by a doctor would have a psyche eval.

But that’s not the case.

Honestly, I don’t mind having the counseling. What I mind is that it’s so clearly a prerequisite-not a recommendation-for this decision of MINE. Ughggg

It’s so nonsensical, but I feel weirdly invisible tonight. I haven’t had the energy or the fortitude to create anything new really. Not on Tumblr, not on Facebook, just… nothing created (let’s face it: written) by me. Finally today I managed to puke out a post that’s probably really not too bad. It’s only been up for two hours, but the only person who’s responded to it was my middle school principal and it was a like. I know it’s just because it’s long and dense and can’t blame anyone, but I was So Proud to have managed Something and then… meh.
And the Bae is playing OW instead of reading with me like we’d gotten in the habit of doing. It’s typical that it takes up extra time Monday nights but we usually still manage to get in some time. So yeah. Feeling strangely invisible rn and definitively ridiculous for that.

Oh dear god. At least I haven’t gotten that one in the recent past. Tho it is obnoxious how often people tread super close to the ‘reverse racism’ line. I’m sure it’d be worse if I hadn’t already unfriended people who I thought were completely helpless.

Edit: hopeless*

Why does every white boy (except the bae) I run into lately literally equating people hating others solely based upon their race, religion, gender, orientation, etc to people who hate that there are people out there who do this? How do they not see that the two things are not the same? I’ve had three of these conversations since the election that I can think of off the top of my head, and I’m just so angry about it

I think I just realized something. 

I’ve been on Facebook a lot lately where my ‘irl’ friends are—where my family is, posting a lot of political posts, scanning through for them posted by others.

It’s not that I want to obsess on it, it’s just that nothing else is holding my attention. Nothing is bringing me much joy for long. Which I know is probably a sign that I’m experiencing some level of depression. 

I keep telling myself that it means I need to disengage, get off Facebook, do something else, but I just can’t seem to. 

So I think I realized part of what’s going on (the other part is that I just don’t have many other hobbies outside of Tumblr/Facebook really) 

I’m desperately flailing, looking for rays of light of understanding and a willingness to learn there, where my friends/family are. I’m desperately seeking some hint that people, the people who aren’t on Tumblr who haven’t already spent time getting past social justice 101, are realizing how important it is to go out and educate themselves, to learn, to not pull the victim card or whine about how they just don’t… can’t get it. 

And of course it’s a hopeless task. Oh, there are people on there that get it, but they’re the same people who got it before. And it’s so fucking bleak. How do I move past that need? How do I stop this cycle? Ugh. I don’t even know. 

I can distract myself for periods of time, don’t get me wrong. Overwatch is a blessing right now. But it doesn’t last. 

Ugh