into the void – Thoughtfulfangirling

It’s so nonsensical, but I feel weirdly invisible tonight. I haven’t had the energy or the fortitude to create anything new really. Not on Tumblr, not on Facebook, just… nothing created (let’s face it: written) by me. Finally today I managed to puke out a post that’s probably really not too bad. It’s only been up for two hours, but the only person who’s responded to it was my middle school principal and it was a like. I know it’s just because it’s long and dense and can’t blame anyone, but I was So Proud to have managed Something and then… meh.
And the Bae is playing OW instead of reading with me like we’d gotten in the habit of doing. It’s typical that it takes up extra time Monday nights but we usually still manage to get in some time. So yeah. Feeling strangely invisible rn and definitively ridiculous for that.

Aw man guys.

My mom and step-dad have been planning to sell the house we lived in since I was about 8 for some time. I managed a quick, hurried weekend there several months back to collect some childhood things I don’t want them to get rid of, but neither of them were there while I was.

They’re mostly moved into a house in the town I’m now living in with my sister that has a distinct separate part to the house, kind of like a small apartment off the main section of the house. It’s pretty cool and a great setup, but they’re mostly moved in and hardcore trying to sell my childhood home.

I’ve known this was coming for some time, and I was generally ambivalent about it. In fact, I am generally ambivalent about it. Like, I know I’ll miss it, but I have all the memories, and I so rarely visited in the past 5 to 10 years, so no big right? Except I keep dreaming about a childhood home my dad used to live at where I have a bizarre amount of memories (it really wasn’t a long period of time he lived there with my aunt and uncle and cousin. Maybe two years? And I only saw him on some weekends…), and I’m fairly consciously aware that it has more to do with my Mom’s home selling than that old house from my younger years.

Yesterday I dreamt my mom called me to tell me the house had sold. When I woke up, I had to check my phone to see if that had been a dream or if I had just fallen back to sleep. I then was driving through town yesterday and saw an old, unique building my dad used to work at and my sister and I used to run around when we were little being demolished. So I dreamt tonight about going out there in the middle of the night and taking these fantastical pics of what was left, and it turned almost into this sci fi thing with roads running up along it and amazing space shit in the sky. But then, as I was trying to get a very specific pic, a police officer showed up to tell me I was trespassing and nearly gave me an $800 ticket for it.

I don’t even know how to cope with something like this? Like, I’m fine awake, but my dreams are getting increasingly unpleasant and sometimes difficult to distinguish from reality? I usually have fun, exciting dreams. *sigh* wth.

I’ve considered making the not quite 2 hour drive back to the old house, but it’s practically empty at this point, and I just don’t think it would help me for that to be the last way I see it? ¯_(ツ)_/¯