Category: Uncategorized

barbara-lazuli:

geoclaire:

probably-voldemort:

ahallister:

olofahere:

probably-voldemort:

probably-voldemort:

So apparently my sister has had a fake girlfriend for the last like two years

Thanks for asking.

So the other night I’m sitting in bed studying or watching Netflix or just being a lazy bum cause I was sick, I don’t remember exactly, but Sam comes in and joins me in my bed.

“Kee,” she says eventually.  “I need to tell you something cause it’s gonna come up at the karate party, and I need you to know so you don’t act weird.”

And I’m like “Okay?  Why is something coming up at the karate party?  Why do you think I’m going to act weird?  Why does this matter?  You’re not even in karate.”

And she’s like “Yeah, but Eliza is.”

So I’m trying to figure out what the heck she’s talking about and I’m like “So?  What do you think we do at karate parties?  Tell our best friends’ deep dark secrets?”

And she laughs and is like “No, but I’m gonna be there as Eliza’s plus one.”

And I’m like “What?  We didn’t get a plus one.  What are you talking about?”

And she’s like “Yeah, but you’re allowed to bring your significant other and your kids if you have them, right?  I’m coming as Eliza’s significant other.”

So of course I’m like “What?  Since when are you and Eliza dating?”

And she rolls her eyes and is like “We’re not.  It’s fake.”

So from what I got, this is the gist of their “relationship”:

Once upon a time in grade 12, Sam and Eliza figured out a way to scam the system of conditional plus ones on invitations.  If you pretended to be dating, you could bring your best friend to anything that significant others were allowed to come to.

They’ve never kissed or done anything more than hold hands and refer to each other as “my girlfriend” on their dating adventures, and their “dates” are limited to parties where the chances of someone who knows they aren’t actually dating are low.  Apparently they’ve got a lock down on being each other’s plus ones to weddings, at whatever point they start getting invited to weddings that aren’t just them tagging along with their parents and weddings are super fun so they want to maximize the number of weddings they get to go to.

Their “anniversary” is around Halloween, since the first time thy tried their loophole was for a Halloween party for some club that Eliza was in.

So yeah.  I guess last year while Eliza was at uni with me and Sam was in a college in our hometown, there were quite a few times that Sam drove down and stayed at Eliza’s dorm for the weekend just because there was some party or event or whatever that Eliza was allowed to bring a significant other to and “Kee, it’s ridiculous.  Why wouldn’t you bring an extra person if you’re allowed to?  It’s like they’re just begging people to find this loophole.  We’re basically geniuses.  We get like twice as much free food.”

Apparently the only reason I haven’t been told until now is because Sam thought I’d judge her or make it into a big deal or something, and there really wasn’t any reason to tell me because there hadn’t been a situation where I’d also be there.

Until the karate party.

Because Eliza’s in my dojo and I was also going to be at the karate party.

So I had to swear on my eventual degree that I was not going to tell our parents or anyone else because “this is top secret, Kee.  It’s need to know only, and Mom definitely does not need to know” and to be chill about it at the karate party.

“So,” Sam asks, leaning back against my pillows.  “Who’re you bringing to the karate party.”

“No one.  I’m not dating anyone.”

“Lame.  You should get a fake relationship.  They’re great.”

So anyway their “dating” at the karate party was basically the same as their regular relationship.  They sat next to each other.  They shared food from each other’s plates.  It was pretty funny watching them field questions about their relationship though.

“So how long have you known each other?”  “Oh, since kindergarten.”  “That’s so cute.”  “I know.  We were both pretty cute when we were kids.  I don’t know what happened to Eliza.”  “Please.  I’m still adorable, and you know it.”

There’s this one dude in the dojo who’s been in a bunch of classes with Eliza and they’re friends outside of karate too and he shows up late to the party and is all “Sam!  It’s great to finally meet you!  I’ve heard so much about you!”  Because apparently Eliza’s told him about her “girlfriend”?  According to her, he doesn’t know it’s fake, and I’m kind of confused and Sam also looked kind of shocked that he expected her to be there so idk what’s going on there.

But yeah.  That’s the story of my sister and her fake girlfriend.  I’m sure they’ve got some funny fake-date stories but I don’t know them yet.

A couple other things:

• Sam and Eliza have been best friends since kindergarten and Eliza’s family lives just up the road from mine back home, so Eliza is basically another little sister to me
• I don’t actually know either of their sexualities.  I’ve never actually seen Sam when she’s got a crush or is into someone and we were never really into fawning over celebrities or anything growing up, so I don’t know who she’s into.  I do know she’s never been on an actual date outside of her fake dates with Eliza and that she hasn’t had her first kiss yet.
• And, considering I don’t know my sister’s sexuality, I feel like it’d be a little odd to know Eliza’s since, as far as I know, she also hasn’t actually non-fake dated anyone either.  Factoring in the group of kids they went through high school with, I’m really not surprised about any of this.  There really weren’t any good dating candidates there.
• That all being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if either of them were bi or day or anything, or if this was just them failing at transitioning from friends to more.  They would honestly be a cute couple if they were into girls and wanted to date each other.  So I approve, if that’s the direction this ends up heading.
• People from the events they’ve gone to as dates keep asking about them and they’ve been keeping up the charade whenever they run into these people or otherwise talk to them (why it wouldn’t be easier to just be like “oh we broke up actually” I don’t know but I had to swear I wouldn’t judge so this is just me stating facts and not judging lol) so apparently they’re going to have a photo shoot in a pumpkin patch for their two year anniversary??? so they can send these people pictures???  and I think as apparently the only person in on this secret I’m pretty sure I’m going to be roped into being the photographer??? which all could be seen as a little extra, but I’m not allowed to judge.
• Honestly this whole thing is ridiculous but I’m legally not allowed to judge but I never swore against waiting for the inevitable moment when this is going to blow up in their faces hilariously

Life, once again, succeeding at being both less dramatic and much weirder than fanfic.

One of these days, they’re going to end up getting fake-married, just to keep up the charade, and so that they can go on a fake honeymoon together, and I really want an update when that happens.

I mean tbh it’s quite possible haha. My sister keeps complaining that our cousin is taking too long to have her wedding because she really wants to go to a wedding and why don’t we ever get invited to weddings? So that plus the amount of free gifts you get from getting married could theoretically make this the next step in their plan haha. Or at least fake engaged so they can have wedding showers and then call off the wedding and never return the gifts haha

Please report back in like 1-5 years depending on how bad this slow burn is

my god this is better than any fake dating fanfic i’ve read so far

This is an adorable and amazing story and I def hope we get follow up.

Also. If anyone is bored, there are hella spam in the notes. Go report them as spam and block them and save this post/user from Tumblr thinking This is spam!!

meradorm:

Actual genetic testing for intersex, gnc, and trans people is going to be great because everybody in the workplace is going to shuffle into the break room (”beats workin’” one of the old white guys will say) and we’ll sit down at the plastic lunch tables and management will pass out a little baggie with a tube to spit in and painstakingly go over how to seal it and affix the label. It’s just like drug testing, you did that when we hired you, except you can’t fail! And you get twenty minutes off your workday, right? Great.

I could get lucky at this point. It doesn’t always show up on tests. I wouldn’t say that my body is a fifty-fifty split. But.

Days or weeks later a couple people from management will pull me off the lanes and take me into the nurse’s office. They’ll open the door for me and say “Sorry, buddy, I know this is a hassle” and they’ll say I have to do it again because my sample looked contaminated. (I did like a 23andMe thing once and they kept telling me they thought my sample must have gotten mixed with some else’s – it’s probably just the way these labs work, the checking process for your sample is probably automated.) But I’ll grunt and say “it’s fine” and sit in a chair and spit into another tube while they stare at me. I might have to repeat the process until they figure out I used to be twins, a boy twin and a girl twin, and my genetics reflect that. (”Oh wow I didn’t know that about you,” will the manager say, trying really hard to make encouraging small talk.)  

Then I’ll find out that there’s some problem with my paycheck or the ID reader thing won’t let me clock in and I’ll go to the HR desk and spend like ten minutes being bored in line while the people in front of me figure out their parking passes or lost passwords and they say there’s some red tape I have to jump through about my gender, it’s not a big deal, you just have to go get a doctor to sign off on – (awkward pause) – on one or another before I go back to work, it’s a federal regulation thing. I’ll irritably play a lot of phone tag trying to make sure I don’t use my UPT (unpaid time off) hours while I can’t work, and then go to the health center the next town over where I used to get my fillings done. The 21-year-old receptionist will give me kind of a pained look when she calls me to the front and I’ll try to act casual for her sake, or maybe I’ll feel defiant and show her I’m uncomfortable and annoyed just to make her feel bad, because she’s the closest approximate thing to a target. (although I won’t, because I’m too old for that and it’s not her fault). The doctor will give me a tight smile and say “Sorry, I know this is invasive.” Then I’ll go home and bitch about it on Tumblr. 

I don’t know exactly what happens next, maybe I’ll lose my job and the state will give me a letter saying that owing to United States regulation they can’t offer Medicaid to (they’ll phrase it in the most neutral possible way, like “those with a gender or sex ambiguity“ – you know, they’re trying to make it sound like they’re still progressive and their hands are tied, all saying that gender and sex are different), and then I’ll bitch about that on Tumblr too, but whatever, I managed bipolar for so long when I was undiagnosed, I don’t need to afford my meds. 

That’s about as far as my imagination goes, but even if they decided to straight-up euthanize me it’s going to be boring, and there’ll be a lot of papers to sign and a lot of shuffling around near plastic tables under fluorescent lights, and it’s not going to feel dramatic and it’s not going to feel like something with a clear way to fight. Jackbooted thugs who I can heroically punch or physically escape from will probably not show up at my house in the middle of the night (and if they do I’d really be fucked, but at least I’d get an adrenaline rush out of it).

I dunno, it might come from being a Slav and knowing people who lived under Communism, but I see the future and not only are we all going to lose our rights and die, it’s going to be slow, boring, and really fucking annoying, and because of that it’ll creep up on us. 

Of course, the upside of this is that the change we want will creep up on them too. You vote, your friends vote, Republicans lose the majority. You vote (vote, goddamn you) in local elections and get better quality candidates if you don’t like the ones we got. Donation posts go around Tumblr and we can gofundme crack teams of immigration lawyers. (Also, check Charity [Navigator] for charities that work with refugees and immigrants.) (While you’re at it, here are [some] LGBT charities too, including one for intersex rights and those supporting LGBT immigrants and asylum seekers.) The ways that you can help are also not dramatic. When they come you have to notice them.

They are also vulnerable to a death by a thousand cuts. Don’t forget that. 

phantomsherra:

Fire that was started with 3000+ sparklers!