fthgurdy:

advicefromsurvivors:

There’s something intensely unhealthy going on when parents discourage age-appropriate independence. A 13 year old should probably be allowed to go see a film with their friends most of the time. A 16 year old should probably be allowed to drive/ride a bus/bike to a friend’s house most of the time. An 18 year old should probably be allowed to travel overnight with their friends most of the time. A 20+ year old should be allowed to come and go as they please, with some common-sense “Let’s talk this ‘move to Finland’ plan of your over before you follow through on it” exceptions.

Parents should want their children to enjoy going out and doing things on their own and with their friends. They should be delighted that their child wants to have a life of their own. A rich, fulfilling life outside the home and distinct from parents and family is important, and parents should want their child to have that.

It’s not just about fulfilment, personally I think the big deal here is SAFETY. Your kid is safer if you allow them to learn to be independent at age-appropriate increments.

As someone who had very little of this due to my mother’s ptsd causing her to have issues relinquishing control, here’s the thing: if your kid doesn’t learn independence step by step, then once the day comes that for whatever reason they have to act independently, they will have the worst time dealing with it and may in fact be in danger because of their ineptitude.

Basically, at thirteen I shouldn’t be having a panic attack because the bus I was taking alone took a detour due to construction, but I was. Why? Because I was never allowed to ride the bus alone before except on one specific route and I had no idea how to get back home from an unfamiliar neighbourhood, and in addition to that I knew that this would make me late coming home which would make my mother get scared and overreact, for example by forbidding me to take a bus alone again.

Oh, I figured it out. But the panic attack was not necessary and it could have put me in serious danger. I should have been able to just take it calmly.

Only, what could I do when every time I said something like ‘But what if I have to take a different bus’ my mother would say ‘No, you will take the right bus and come straight home’. She refused to teach me how to deal with the unexpected.

And it is SO important for your kids to learn how to deal with the unexpected when you’re not there. They will not magically gain that knowledge when they turn 18 if you don’t let them learn it step by step as they grow.

(and yes, of course I spent most of my twenties getting yelled at for not knowing basic stuff or getting things wrong- I was expected to know it even though I’d never been taught it or been given a chance to learn. That made me feel great about myself, I gotta tell you )