Here is something I used to do with my friend Nicholas that I really, deeply miss.
When in conversation with someone and they are talking, if you have the urge to interrupt them, follow this routine:
1. Say, “Pardon me, may I interject?”
2. Listen to what they are saying until they say, “yes, go ahead.”
3. Remember what they were saying.
4. Go off on your tangent for however long you need to.
5. When you are done, say something like, “OK, thank you, now, as you were saying… ” and repeat the words or the gist of the words that you remember them saying when you interrupted.
A lot of people fall into different camps when it comes to interrupting. The common convention is to just not do it. It’s considered rude. But, NT and ND people do it alike. When NT people do it, I’ve noticed, it’s a clear indication that they are bored with you, and that’s why it’s considered rude. When ND people do it, it’s more along the lines of a compulsion. We have something we really need to say, otherwise we can’t concentrate on what you’re saying. Interruption is an import part of our process of communicating and processing, well, everything.
But, when a ND person interrupts another ND person without using a procedure of courtesy like above, it can totally demolish the original speaker’s train of thought and they may never get it back. I personally find it extremely distressing and actually downright abusive or traumatizing.
When I first went on a long walk with Nicholas, and we started one of our long conversations and I interrupted him the first time, he stopped me and told me about the above procedure and explained why it was important. Thinking of it as a procedure that would improve things made it easy for me to adopt it. And, we had a lot of practice after that.
I found that being able to relax about interruptions because we were both keeping track of each others words and thoughts made it *easier* to keep track of both my thoughts and his thoughts. It made socializing fun, instead of a chore. And, I found I wanted to talk and listen to him far more than I wanted to with anybody else.
My wife and her family never did this, and neither did any of her friends, and it took a huge toll on my confidence as it became more and more clear that my words just didn’t fucking matter to them (even if they did in their way). It contributed enormously to my PTSD and autistic burnout.
I really think we should spread this convention around as far and wide as possible (maybe with some addendums for people it doesn’t quite work for?). I think it would help in so many relationships and spaces, from marriages to support groups to business.
This is reaaaally good. Especially good advice about remembering what they said and encouraging them to continue talking after you’re done.
I realised I had a problem with interrupting people a couple years back when I got yelled at at work for it…but seeing it as a particular need rather than lack of consideration helps me handle it. I’ve always crossed my fingers during a conversation if I needed to say something, but that doesn’t always guarantee being able to focus. Better to be honest about it if I can!
In a similar vein, something that happens sometimes between me and Rolypoly is that they’ll say:
“I said *important thing* just now and you didn’t react, I need an acknowledgement.”
And it usually turns out my brain was elsewhere and I didn’t hear, or I didn’t realise the thing was important. So it’s good that they tell me so I can reflect on what they said instead of ignoring it!
Btw, dragonfriend, do you follow a blog called @realsocialskills ? They have tons of great posts just like yours, I’ve found them very helpful.
A routine for interrupting someone
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Thoughtfulfangirling 