something i really dislike about the ace spectrum and the grading of aceness is that it posits that non-aces can’t have complicated, difficult, or varying attitudes towards sex without being on the spectrum somehow. non-aces can’t, supposedly, go months without sex, they can’t be uninterested in sex for long periods of time, they can’t hate certain kinds of sex and they can’t struggle to reach orgasm or pleasure from sex without being ‘ace’ somehow. that they can’t change their mind about sex, that they can’t go from periods of hating sex to periods of loving it. this is before we even approach the effect trauma has on sex, how some people can both want and loathe sex simultaneously, how sex can be used as a form of self-harm.
as a result, under this system, ‘allos’ are often reduced to an offensive stereotype of constantly wanting and craving sex. this is damaging on a number of fronts. not only is it reductive, particularly when it comes to survivors of sexual assault, but I think if it were to become more commonplace it would place unhealthy expectations on non-aces and deprive people of the ability to say no during sex. I feel because this spectrum categorises people in the same way sexuality is categorised – as an integral part of someone’s identity – it removes the possibility for fluidity, for complications, and would, hypothetically, if it became mainstream (it’s not currently, and it’s unfair to presume a few blogs on tumblr have that level of social currency despite the seriousness of this), push non-aces to believing they must need sex?
I think that is incredibly damaging in terms of how it makes sexual assault easier to accomplish. I think that is particularly damaging to survivors who struggle with hypersexuality who use sex as a coping mechanism. I think that is particularly damaging to the LGBT community – particularly women (bi lesbian or trans), & particularly people of colour, all of whom are more likely to be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, for all of whom white straight male entitlement means that they are more likely to be raped. On top of these already existing pressures, if the graded ace spectrum became more prevalent in society, I think a large number of people would they they can’t say no because they’re ‘allosexual’, because under this rigid system ‘allosexual’ is something very specific with no room for more ambiguous attitudes towards sex.
It’s largely for this reason I don’t consider myself a-spec, ace-questioning, or really anything to do with the ace community any more. I think if we, universally, attempt to compartmentalise our feelings toward sex into concrete, rigid identities which can’t be changed, that could ultimately lead to some really unhealthy, harmful approaches towards sex.
I feel like all of this is more a result of people believing wanting sex is the norm, not so much people wanting to label their lack of sexual attraction. I mean, ultimately that’s what ace is right?
There can be people who don’t experience sexual attraction who still want/have sex, and there can be people who experience sexual attraction to others (allo) who don’t want/have sex.
I might be missing some nuance here about the ‘spectrum’ as this is how I’ve always seen things like ‘sex-repulsed aces’. I don’t see why there couldn’t be ‘sex-repulsed allos,’ and I feel like all the aces I know would be fine with someone identifying that way. It’s society that believes sex is natural and that would treat allos like ‘fine, dont have sex aces, all the rest of us Will have that life affirming experience all the time!’
I dunno. I’m biased in that I know people who found the freedom/self fulfillment to finally cut sex out of their life when they didn’t want it by finding the term ace and then identifying. Which, ofc, they shouldn’t Have to have do, but it worked for them.
But also like, this is a similar argument against trans people that isn’t cool. Why can’t a boy wear dresses and make up? If at-birth-male-assigned people do that and are women, what happens to actual boys who just want to wear dresses and make up? It’s like they can’t then. There’s this pressure that they perform masculinity. But who is pressuring them to be masculine? It sure as hell aren’t trans people. Its cis people.
Queer can be used this way too. Why can’t two straight women settle down and live together? It’s like you Have to be lesbians to do that. It makes it so straight women feel like they can’t have deep, meaningful relationships with other women. That a woman’s most meaningful relationship couldn’t be with another woman if she’s not a wlw.
Don’t even get me started on bi people and their current relationship defining their entire sexuality!!
Labels are just tools to help us navigate the world. The problem comes with other people putting labels on us, which shouldn’t be happening.
My point just being that these are shitty behaviors perpetrated to enforce the status quo. The issue doesn’t originate with ace people or trans people or queer people. It’s by people who don’t want to admit these identities exist.
Just my 5 cents.
Thoughtfulfangirling 