I survived an abusive relationship. At this point I have talked to and worked with hundreds of people in abusive relationships.
Guess what? telling us to leave never works.
ever.
I could write a post about ways to help people leave.
I’ll probably do that one day.
but don’t be that person in the mean time.
This is real quick off the cuff but:
AN ABBREVIATED GUIDE TO ‘holy shit my friend is in an abusive relationshit what do I do’
1. Don’t start shit with the abuser. Your friend? Will pay for it.
I once had a friend slap my abuser.
I am not going to tell you the price I paid b/c I’ve already puked once today and I would like to not do it again.
I once threatened a friend’s abuser.
I almost lost that friend over it.
Don’t do the thing.
2. Understand that the abuser is going to be isolating them.
They may be telling your friend how terrible you are. Any slight- no matter how small will be played up into a big thing. and even if the friend doesn’t hold it against you- it will probably effect how much they reach out to you.
Abusers like to tell their marks things like ‘Oh? A missed your call. Its because they hate you and think you complain too much’
The best way I can tell you to combat that- is just… don’t hold it against them. If they withdraw, don’t be that person like ‘well if you really cared about me you’d have fought for me’
The people who helped the most were those that I felt like.. I could go weeks without talking to and then they’d still listen if I got the courage to come back around.
If you can- work with them to try and schedule things so that they can have support without their abuser getting suspicious. School projects, open places. shit like that.
3. Don’t argue with them that shit is abusive.
Don’t be that person. It will make them feel unsafe with you.
The friends who argued were friends I lost. They were the ones it was easiest for him to make go. Cause here’s the thing… people view isolating as an abuser saying ‘you can’t talk to them!’ and a lot of times its not that.. its an abuser sitting down and saying in a real quiet voice ‘you two argue a lot, and they aren’t respecting you. But I’ll always be here for you okay?’
The most you can do is say “hey.. you know you deserve better than that right?” and if they argue go “I’m not going to argue with you. I don’t want to upset you.
4. If they ask for resources, help them get them.
Don’t offer them unless asked or it will turn into a fight and see above.
5. If they say they’re out of options- help them brain storm ones.
here’s an easy opening to ask if it’s okay to help them find resources.
don’t shove.
6. Be nice to them. consistently.
Too many people were too busy trying to convince me that he was a bad guy- that spending time with them just hurt…
and at least when I was with him it only hurt some of the time.
I got out because I had 4-5 good friends who I had good times with and I finally…. there was the light of ‘oh god this is what healthy relationships feel like. ‘
7. Don’t shove. Don’t pressure.
You can say “I’ll be here for you when you’re ready to leave”
You can remind them of this occasionally.
But don’t be a coercive dick.
Don’t be gross.
Don’t hurt people being abused.
That should not be that hard of a lesson.
Don’t say victim blaming shit to convince them to leave.,
Don’t threaten to leave them if they don’t leave.
Don’t be gross.
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