Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from Neutral to Hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry”
I have never heard this put into words before but it explains so much. Even as a kid I was constantly scared my mom was mad just when she was making a neutral expression cause she could go from 0 to 60 with no other warning.
Omg I didn’t realise. I do this. I’m constantly checking that people are ok and not mad.
Because that’s what my dad did. 0-rage monster in a second.
Hyper vigilance over other people’s emotional state because of previous / repeated / continuous exposure to volatile people is seriously just…the most exhausting, fucked up, draining, relationship-fucking, driving-yourself-mad thing and it is so rarely explained well or talked about at all and I’m SO GLAD this post is going around.
If someone is even slightly less than being 100% positive/happy/approving of me I pick up on it right away, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with me, and I fret and stress and am on edge. Which is so unfair because other people are allowed to have feelings and they’re allowed to express those feelings and it’s almost never about me anyway.
And then trying to explain that you expect them to be volatile assholes when they’ve never shown any evidence of being that way, and trying to say that it’s not personal, is almost impossible. Because it’s always taken personally and how can they not, really?
I wonder what the discourse looks like to people who don’t have this
Popping in to add that hypervigilance can also be a component of an anxiety disorder. I’ve never been abused, but holy hell can I pick up on the slightest hint of disapproval.
Oh man yeah, I get that. Like the radar is set too sensitive and any distant blip that somebody Might Possible Potentially Not Be Happy With Me is setting off the sirens.
This post is super helpful. I don’t have this, but I think my mom does to a degree. She deals with mental illness, and when she has a low period, she’s very quick to assume I’m mad at her for some reason, and it’s always boggled my mind. This kind of makes some sense out of that. Thank you for explaining and sharing.
Thoughtfulfangirling 