Unsurprisingly, this has been on my mind since my cousin posted it yesterday. These are her experiences with violence at the hand of men she should have been able to trust.
TW: Domestic and sexual abuse.
So much of her experiences disturb me, and I could comment on each really, but one case stands out to me as a terrible result of our toxic society and lack of consent education (not that these issues weren’t involved in the others).
“We worked together, we drank together, we karaoked together. We had a lot of the same friends and I loved him and his girlfriend to pieces…
”…I laid down on the couch, where I was going to sleep, and at some point during the Phish, I blacked out, as we have established I do from time to time — as normal citizens do after consuming too much alcohol from time to time.
“When I came to, he was trying to go down on me, on his couch. By now his girlfriend had already gone to bed. I tried to push him away, but couldn’t muster the strength. His response was something like, “It’s OK, she won’t mind,” or, “won’t know,” or…I don’t recall. It was foggy. He must have thought that my attempted protests were because I wouldn’t want her to find out. He persisted. I tried to tell him to stop but I don’t think the words left my mouth. I couldn’t protest.”
It does not matter what the reason is for someone protesting any sort of sexual activity. I don’t care if the reason is ‘I didn’t realize you had already put a condom on’ or ‘I wouldn’t want your girlfriend to find out,’ a no or a protest or no specific signal of consent means NO. If you feel like you need clarification on why she would say no, fucking ask. If she doesn’t answer, get the fuck away from her.
A woman is allowed to say no to sex, even if some part of her would like to engage in such activity. If, somehow, a man truly did know that the woman he wants to engage in sexual activity with really wanted to have sexy times with them, it is rape if he engages in sexual activity with her without her agreeing. A woman can say no for reasons such as wanting to wait or even just not wanting to give into a pleasure she doesn’t feel she deserves.
It’s really best not to assume things when it comes to sexy times.
And, obviously, the dude’s first error was not asking in the first place, and also it’s clear that Clare’s reason for protesting is as simple as she didn’t want to engage with him. All of which SHOULD BE A FULL FUCKING STOP RIGHT THERE.
I just find it very important too that society as a whole addresses this kind of shit as well. That a person’s reason for protesting sexual activity REQUIRES NO QUALIFIERS and that having sex IS NOT A FUCKING NEGOTIATION. If someone says/indicates/shows reluctance, it ends there. That’s it. Full stop.
The “Maybe I Deserved It” Mentality, or: Why I Never Reported Abuse or Rape
Thoughtfulfangirling 