thoughtfulproxy replied to your post:
I dunno what it is for me. Just the sound, or the event/memory/atmosphere it implies? The way it’s always combined with sharp light that pushes me to dissociate, maybe.
I don’t know. There’s something. There’s always something, something double about the world. Pleasant sensations are never just pleasant, they always have a creepy edge to them. Even the ones you’d think would be straightforward, like mild sunshine, fresh smell in the air, green leaves, blue skies, calmness, warmth.
Birdsong.
Maybe it’s a return of the ol’ panic attack, I suppose since I started taking the meds in winter I got a handle on managing it in a wintery atmosphere, but now extra impulses are happening and I’m not prepared for those.
I can’t speak for you or pretend to understand, but I definitely have family members who have struggled for years to enjoy good things. They experienced enough terrible things happening after good things, so they almost feel like good things and good moments are the calm before the storm and caused them extra anxiety.
My mom has talked too about how developing a sense of security often allows you headspace to deal with trauma, which can mean that if you get comfort, your mind might start throwing shit at you.
I can’t say any of these things are the case for you, but this all came to mind. It’s definitely an unfortunate feeling. 😦 The birdsong is probably the only thing I feel your list applies to me, and it probably comes more for some sense of annoyance than anxiety. Hopefully this is just an adjustment period for you like you seem to suggest and that you’ll find yourself able to just enjoy these things later on.
I have no trauma, no bad things have happened to me that could cause this. Unless depression and it’s effects themselves count as trauma, because the last couple of years have definitely had me in a state of permanent fear of the storm happening, or as I would usually call it, walking on a tightrope high over some very pretty, but very deadly landscape. Good feelings rot and turn poisonous for me without fail. It’s all in my head but that’s what happens.
But I don’t know. This could be so many things, so many of my ‘concerns’ could be at the root of why birdsong makes me uneasy, has always made me uneasy. Trying to figure it out would be a pain and probably impossible so I’ll just deal with it like with so many other unavoidable, objectively nice things which still manage to cause me discomfort.
I wouldn’t be surprised if prolonged depression has distinct traumatic effects, but I’m definitely/obviously not an expert, and this isn’t really my lane. But I’ve been going through some extra anxiety/frustration than usual (stemming more from my own sense of self-doubt right now than anything else), and I can’t imagine what it would feel like having it pop up randomly or being any sort of constant. I had a good dose of that gut-rot feeling tonight and definitely had the thought that it being even remotely consistent and constant would have serious affects on my living life normally, so while I’m sure these are not the same feelings and that I probably won’t ever deal with it long term, I can imagine that it’s absolutely terrible and frustrating beyond hell to deal with. : / I’m sorry it’s something you’re dealing/have to deal with this.
Thoughtfulfangirling 